“You seem happy. You seem like everything is perfect. But I guess it’s not.” this is probably one of the most accurate things and most heard things i get.. i don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.. but countless people think my life is perfect and it’s lovely and it’s something to be jealous of and some aspects it does seem perfect and just like a fairytale; but other’s are so much worse than that..
i can’t explain to people what i feel or what i think or how much pressure i have on me absolutely every day of my life. and most will never understand even if i did open up about it.. my life is one that someone could write about and no one would believe it would be a true story..
most of the time though it gives me hope that people do still look up to me and think i’m so composed and everything is perfect.. because i strive to seem that way. i don’t want people taking pity on me. i don’t want people knowing that my parents have no idea what goes on in my life. i don’t want people knowing that i struggle with my weight and anorexia every single day in my life even though i play it off like i’ve recovered.. i don’t want people to know i struggle with friendships and my relationship sometimes. i don’t want people to know i have so much pressure to get married to a pre-determined greek man in just 4 years.. i don’t want people to know that i have mental breakdowns every night. i don’t want people knowing that i spend money on materialistic things just to get a little bit of joy without feeling completely guilty.. i don’t want people to know that i think about cutting again every hour in the day. i just don’t want people to lose hope in me because i’m not perfect. i don’t want the little girls that look up to me see me as a failure. i don’t want anyone in the world to feel the way i do; and that’s why i like being a beacon of hope, and being looked as as happy and living a perfect life. i want that so other people know that they can have it too, but does that make me a liar because i want to show everyone the happiness you can have even if you’re not happy?