alright, so everything lately has been pretty good (:
obviously i’ll start off with alex. we’ve been so much better. we’ve actually been happy again, and i want to try to do whatever it take to keep it that way. i have such strong feelings for him, and i am pretty sure it’s love but sometimes i question myself.. i don’t know if it really is love. i mean i think it is! but what if it isn’t :/ well either way i don’t see me leaving anytime soon! so even if it isn’t love, i am sure i’ll experience it! even though i think it is love. well anyways, i just am so happy! happier than i have been in a while (: i have my depressed thoughts and my depressed moments but the happy times trumps the depressed. every time. and that’s good for me (: alex told me that he hasn’t been this happy in years yesterday and that he doesn’t want anything to happen to us. he thinks i’m going to break his heart, but i’m scared he’s going to break mine.. i love him, he makes me so incredibly happy, and i trust him! but sometimes i feel like everything is too good to be true.. i always have that lingering thought of what if.. what if he gets bored of me. what if i’m not enough. what if he cheats on me.. and then i have my parents pulling us apart. they don’t know anything for a fact, but i know my mom knows. it’s so hard not being like a normal couple. it’s so hard not being able to walk around freely with him. it’s so hard not being able to just pop up unexpectedly and spend the day together. it’s so hard doing normal couple things. for example today we went together for his tux. i couldn’t fully enjoy it cause i always had the thought of us getting caught.. i hate having that thought because in reality i really don’t care. but i still don’t want to disappoint the people around me.
well anyways, we have prom together. it’s may 18th and i’m sooooo excited :D everything is falling into place! we are going to look so good and normal (: i can’t wait to spend one of the most memorable nights of my life with alex! since hopefully my dress is the one i picked, it’s all white. i made alex get a white tux, white vest, with a turquoise bow tie. he’s going to look so cute (: i just can’t wait! i hope it’ll be a great night and my parents don’t ruin it! he hasn’t asked me officially yet, because apparently it’s some big extravagant thing! but it’s going to happen on sunday i think :D i’ll be sure to post about it! (: i’m so excited and everything is finally coming together!
another thing i am really happy about is that i’m losing so much weight! ever since my easter i’ve gone down to around 134 AND i’ve gotten down to a size 4! and i haven’t even been going to the gym! i just can’t believe it! i’m even eating! sure i don’t eat three meals a day, but that is just too much for me.. i don’t have an appetite like i used to, which is good and bad i guess.. but i’ll at least start eating breakfast! but the thing is, i’m so happy and busy i don’t think about eating. shit, i don’t even think about my body! i am actually finally alright with it on most days.. sure i want to change a couple things, but now i don’t mind them. i learned to love my body and that i want to be healthy more than skinny. the number on the scale doesn’t matter as much anymore (:
i’m so happy with how my life looks right now. i just hope it stays this way for a while..