i wish that we could go just one day with being happy and me not creating problems and you not saying hurtful things and just feeling the love. i hate how 80% of the time we are up each other’s throats lately..

something’s wrong but i don’t know what.. it’s like i have something on my mind but i have absolutely no idea what it is and it’s really bothering somehow.. i just want you here with me right now.. i want you here to kiss me and hold me and cuddle me and feel your touch on me.. ugh i just really miss you for some reason but i don’t feel like actually texting you.. it’s so weird :/

i’m at such a cross roads.. i want to leave this town and these people. i want to have a new adventure with other people and new faces and refreshing places and i could. but the only thing that’s holding me back is you.. i’m only staying her for you.. i don’t know what to do. would you still be with me if we lived 8 hours apart? would this still work out? would you hate me? would you hold me back? i just don’t wanna make the wrong decision if we aren’t forever like we think we are.. cause this could be something i’d regret in the future.

i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again, loving is such a painful thing.. loving someone as much as this is painful and hurtful when you’re not at the right mindset to love this deeply.. loving is something that takes work and sacrifice. loving takes knowing who you are completely and what you want. loving is stable not unsure and doubtful. loving isn’t for the mere mortal.

loving you is so hard but so easy. sometimes i realize i love you so much that i don’t know what to do or how to act or what to say. but loving you makes all that easy and acceptable. loving you is nirvana and utopia and paradise and heaven.

the love i feel for you scares me because i never thought i could feel this type of love and passion and emotion. loving you is also something i’m not used to.. loving is something that i’m not used to. being afraid of losing someone is something i’m not used to.. i just don’t wanna let you down..

i get so scared you don’t love me as much as i love you.. i get scared that you’ll leave me.. i get scared that with one wrong thing you’ll drop all of this. i get scared that this isn’t love sometimes.. i get scared that we aren’t meant to be. i get scared that you won’t support me and my choices. i get scared that we won’t want the same things when we get older. i get scared that we’ll grow apart. i get scared all the fucking time because i love you so much..

but who do i choose? me, you or us?

It hurts loving someone as much as I love you. I hate not being with you. I hate not talking to you. I hate not feeling your touch or kiss whenever I want. I hate how you’re basically five minutes away but you’re not here to fall asleep with me. It hurts sometimes but then I love the feelings you give me by just looking at me. Or the way I light up whenever I think of you or know that you’re thinking of me. I wish it was five years in the future already. I wish we didn’t have to wait for the future. I want you to be mine forever and I yours forever. I want to have a life together. I want to cook for you. I want to clean for you. I want to have dinners with you. And go out with you. I just want to do everything with you and I’m ready for that. But I know it’s not the right time. I just wish we weren’t so young cause I know people will call us crazy for thinking this way..